Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Tilt and Smile

Friends, have you ever met a guy, talked for for at least an hour and he STILL didn't get your number? You walk away frustrated because you have no idea why! It seemed like everything went so well! I have news for you: you might have talking, but he had no idea you were interested. You never used the right body language.

Remember how we talked about body language awhile back ago? I hope you all have been working on your tone! Today, I have another body language tip for you! It's called the Tilt and Smile. Here is the scenario: you're sitting there, looking amazing, talking to the man of your dreams. He teases you a bit. You tilt your head and smile. He falls in love just a little bit more.

Need some photographic explanation?

This is a little too much tilt. You don't wanna look like your neck is broken. 
Hermione's almost got the move down. It's the perfect bit of tilt, but not enough smile. Come on, girl! Don't you want steal Ron away from Lavender?!

Awww yeah! Aria's got it down perfect. Notice her head is tilted ever so slightly. She smiles gently and looks down. No wonder Mr. Fitz is willing to be the creepy high school teacher hitting on a student! Just look at her!

Why is it so attractive? A recent study says it's because it makes the women seem smaller. I personally think it's because you just look so darn adorable.Whatever the reason, it works! I suggested this a friend who tried it on her recent crush. She was in a room as he walked by and they met each other's gaze. She went all out by tilting her head, smiling and then giving a gentle wave of her hand. You better believe he came back and got her number! Those are the kinda results I like to hear about!

So give it a try. Tilt when he says something funny. Tilt to catch his attention from across the room. Tilt whenever you feel the conversation getting a little too friend zone-ish. Then give him a little smile. He'll like it, trust me!

All right, friends. I wanna hear about your success with the tilt and smile? Additions that worked? Sad fails?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Missed Connection

Maybe you've seen this going around the Internet already, but I'm so charmed by it, I just had to share!

Here is the original link!

Have you seen it?! Missed Connections is a website where people post ads looking for someone they met, were interested in, but failed to get contact information. The original meetings happen everywhere: on the train, in the park, at a store or even at Walmart! In a recent article in Psychology Today, a researcher compiled statistics from the website and made the chart above. It shows where the most missed connections happen, by state. Notice how almost fifteen states list Walmart? Ha! Also noticed how Utah lists college campuses? What does that say about our great state?!

I think it's a romantic idea, trying to find someone you had an instant connection with. I skimmed through a few ads for my local area and it put a smile on my face. Have you ever met someone and known in an instant that they were your Someone Special? I have! It's delightful to read about others going through the same process. Such sweet stories!

On a practical note, it is interesting to notice the attributes that first caught the seeker's attention. Sometimes it's looks, sometimes it's personality. You never know what it is about you that will turn someone's head! Dating is interesting because you can make it as scientific as possible. You can become the best flirt, know all the right tricks and frequently go on dates. Yet the endpoint of dating, marriage, requires a miracle that we cannot control. It is a miracle that two people can meet and things just click. The rules are broken and love happens. We have to do all the work we can, by dating and becoming a better person, then sit back and trust that God will bring Mr. Right into the picture. It is a perfect example of faith without works is dead. 

So what do you think about Missed Connections? Sweetly romantic or just plain weird?

Monday, February 25, 2013

Bend and Snap

Do you remember the Bend and Snap from the movie Legally Blonde?

 
In the movie, Paulette has just had a terrible interaction with a man she's been crushing on for awhile. She is so nervous, she barely speaks to the guy! Elle Woods patiently tells her, "You have all the right equipment, you just need to read the manual."

So Elle teaches Paulette the Bend and Snap. It has a 98% success rate of getting a man's attention and when used appropriately, it has a 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. Do you know why it has such a high success rate? Because that little maneuver sends all the right messages via body language!

DATING TRUTH: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.

There are so many moves, tricks and principles that fall under this truth. Body language is so critical for any relationship, especially dating. I'm so excited to share them all with you, but today, I just want to talk about your tone of voice. The way you say a certain line can take it from a cutsey-we-are-just-friends statement into a I-want-I-need-you-oh-baby flirtatious statement.

Personal example: The other day I was at a party and I met a guy. We had been flirting, but it was time for me to go. I turned to him and said, "Well, I gotta go, but it was a delight to meet you." He stared at me suspiciously for a minute. Then he said, "That sounds a bit sarcastic." I laughed and said, "I really didn't mean it sarcastically. Let me try it the way I really meant it." I paused and in my most seductive voice, I said "Well, I gotta go, but it was a delight to meet you."

Thankfully, this guy and I were comfortable enough that he could call me out on my tone. But how many guys don't call you out? Instead, he silently feels like you must not like him because of the way you said it. Then he never asks you out. I know, I know! It's not fair to be judged on what you aren't saying, but it's human nature. This principle goes both ways. Think of the number of times a guy thought you were into him, but you weren't. What kind of tone were you using? Happens all the time.

So practice! Try out the line, "You look really good tonight." Say it in front of mirror (don't feel foolish! We're all improving here!) and listen to your voice. Try saying it as if you were talking to your sister, trying to build her confidence before she goes on a date. Now try saying it as if you were giving a compliment to some girl you met last week in Relief Society. Now try saying it as if you were talking to your dream man and what you really mean is, "I wanna run my hands all over your chiseled abs and then make out with you." Do you see and hear the differences?! What words were emphasized each time? Did you pause at different points? Did you sound super excited, then frank and straight forward, then seductive? Most importantly, what tone did you use the last time you talked to your crush?

Keep practicing! Try out some of your more common lines like, "It was a delight to meet you" or "Your major/job is so interesting!" When talking to your crush, your tone should be somewhere between the talking to your sister and the chiseled abs bit. Practiced a bit? Here is the next step: Talk to your crush. Say things you would normally say, but focus on your tone. Watch him react. Now he knows you are interested in him!

Guys rarely come out and ask if you like him. Instead, they are looking for little cues like your tone. Is he in the friend zone for you? Do you want him so badly it's causing tension? Remember, guys can be a little thick, so when you think you are laying it on too strong, you probably are not. (Hint: you're coming on too strong when he doesn't even bother to get your number and instead just ask if you want to make out, right there and then).  It's hard at first to know when to use a certain tone and if you are using the right tone, but practice makes perfect! You can do it!

Anyone have success and failure stories with using correct tone of voice? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

Friday, February 22, 2013

In the looking glass

I wish I could say appearance doesn't matter, but it does. Anyone who says otherwise is in denial. Today, I'm going to be talking about cake decorating, or the importance of your outward appearance.

Why are you not going on dates? Maybe it's because of your face! Just kidding! Okay, I'm only slightly kidding. Whether we want it to or not, our outward appearance is a reflection of who we are on the inside. Please note that I said reflection. Our looks should not create our self worth. We should create our self-worth and then appropriately display it to others.Think about the times you were sick. You spent all night throwing up and you are running a fever. You feel terrible on the inside, so what do you wear? Sweats and a t-shirt. Then you curl up in bed and moan until your roommate finally comes in to comfort you.You feel crummy and you want comfy clothes. Your appearance reflects how you feel.

So begin with an honest evaluation of yourself. Do you feel like a 10? No? Then start there. Yes? Then does your appearance reflect that feeling? No? Why not? (Honestly, I feel like this needs to become a flow chart or something. That might be forthcoming...)

I did this evaluation a few years ago. I'm a pretty confident gal, but I was unhappy with my style because it was so plain. I wore nice clothes and even got an occasional compliment, but I still felt boring. Solid shirts, solid cardigans, no colored pants, and no scarves or hats. My outside did not reflect how I felt. What are your issues? Consider the following reasons:

-Your clothes. Maybe they are too big or too small. Maybe you dress too casually or too dressy. Maybe you are getting older and need to try a new style.

-Your makeup. Do you wear too much? Too little? The wrong color? You don't know how to put it on correctly? (That last one was me and eyeliner for awhile).

-Accessories, like earrings, scarves, hats and necklaces. Did you know you can wear too many? My stylish friend Heather once told me that most girls should get ready for the day, then take off one accessory. They wear too many. But maybe you are like me and you don't wear enough and you feel boring.

-Natural causes. Do you have bad acne? Do you wear glasses and it makes you feel frumpy? Do you not wear glasses and wish you did? Do you want to lose weight? Should you gain weight?

Identify what makes you unhappy and then...are you ready for this.....get a pencil and paper to write it down....CHANGE IT! You are in charge of yourself! Change whatever makes you unhappy. In the case of my plain wardrobe, I learned how to mix in prints, patterns and accessories. Now, I love how I dress! Here are some of my specific suggestions:

-Ask stylish, honest friends to take you shopping. I have one friend who is a model and makeup consultant. I have another friend who has given several makeovers and she is brutally honest. They were more than excited to help. Keep in mind there are stylish people out there who don't know why they are stylish. They just are. Don't ask for their help. Ask someone who knows why. They can teach you rules and principles that will guide you when you have to make choices alone.

-Don't have stylish friends? You can borrow mine. They love giving makeovers! It helps them feel control in a world of chaos. Like going shopping solo? One time, I was shopping alone and I needed new heels to match a red dress. I couldn't decide and I noticed there was a super trendy girl also looking at the shoes. She looked like my ideal style. So I stopped her and asked her what shoes she would buy if she had a red dress. She pointed to a pair that I had not even considered. Three years later, I still get compliments on those shoes.

-Be willing to pay a lot the first couple of times, then go with cheaper substitutes. Take makeup for example. If you want to change your makeup, go to the MAC counter at Nordstorm's. They will match the your color and give you a makeover. They will teach you how to use makeup. Even though it's expensive, buy what they suggest. Then do it again, until you feel comfortable. Then buy cheaper Target substitutes. This way, you know how to use the product and you'll know when the cheaper blush looks wrong because you've used the right one.

-Pinterest and Google. You might feel kinda weird researching these topics, but I promise you there are so many good ideas out there. Fashion blogs. Weight loss programs. Color wheel diagrams (for matching your clothes!). 1-800 contacts. Save pictures of outfits, hair and make-up ideas you really like. Oh! You know how mannequins in stores always look great? Take pictures and copy their outfits.

-Don't be afraid to try new things! For the longest time, I was afraid of colored pants. I thought they would look weird on me. But every time I went shopping, I took a pair into the dressing room and tried them on. One day, I got the courage to buy a pair. Now, I have several! But everything deserves at least one try on. No commitment, just give it a try (this is also an excellent dating principle).

Remember, the point of changing your appearance is so you look as confident as you feel. Ask your friends and family for suggestions. If they say, "You are awesome! Don't change for anyone! " call them a liar and walk away. Everyone needs to change. No one is perfect. At the same time, if you genuinely don't like their suggestions, don't change. Over time, you might realize they are right and then you'll want to change. But it will be for yourself.

Okay, got it? Change whatever you must in order to look as confident as you feel. Guys will find you so much more approachable. However, if you don't feel confident, you must start there! But that is a topic for another time!

The Parable of the Cake

Let's pretend that it's your friend's birthday tomorrow and you want to bake him a cake. So you grab all the ingredients and start mixing. Except you don't really care about how it tastes, so it's no big deal when you add in an extra five tablespoons of salt. Then you think it doesn't really matter how much flour you use, so you leave out a cup. Then you get busy watching Downton Abbey (and if you aren't watching this show, you should be) and the cake gets burned. You know it's a terrible cake, but it's the thought that counts, right? Should you be upset when he takes a bit, makes a face and refuses to eat anymore?

So you know it's a terrible cake, but you decide that if you decorate it well enough, he won't notice the terrible inside. After rummaging through Pinterest, you find a recipe for an amazing homemade frosting that is sweet yet light. You add colorful fondant that tastes better than it looks. Even Buddy Valastro would approve of this decorating. Should you be upset when he sees it, gets excited, takes a huge slice, then makes a grossed out face when he takes a first bite? How could he be so rude, after all the effort you put into this cake!

But let's pretend you actually made an amazing cake. You hunted down your grandma's world famous chocolate cake recipe. You spent several hours measuring and stirring. You constantly checked the cake as it was baking, to make sure it didn't get too brown. Heaven itself wouldn't prohibit such a perfect cake. However, you have an odd sense of cake decorating, and with your hands you grab huge chunks of the cake and toss it into a bowl. Then you toss in some chunks of cheap store-brand frosting on it and call it good. At the last minute, you find some year old Christmas sprinkles and add a bit of color. Should you be upset when he glances at it, mutters a polite thanks and then sets the bowl aside? Why can't he see the cake for what it is on  the inside?!

I hope you see where I'm going with this. Making a cake is like dating. Both the inside and outside need careful attention. You can't get upset with guys when they ditch you if they realize you are a pretty but selfish, gossipy brat. Don't be too hard on them when they automatically flock to girls who dress well and use the right amount of makeup. Don't you do exactly the same thing to guys? No girl wants to date a jerk, but every girl has a crush on the boy in the ward who looks like he just stepped out of an American Eagle catalog. No girl wants to date the kid who smells like B.O., but every girl wants to date the nice guy who smiles a lot. 

The most basic principle of how to get a date is focus on yourself first. I like this because I can control me. I can't control who asks me out, how often he asks me out and whether we end up getting married. But I can make myself better, which means I can expect a better man in the long run. I can love myself more, which means happiness even when I'm home alone on a Friday night. The next couple of posts will focus on how to change your inside and outside, but for now, focus on the cake. Are you the best possible cake you can be?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Why I started this blog

I don't have a lot of talents. I don't play an instrument, unless you count the guitar I started strumming about a month ago. My singing is best when I'm in the car alone. I don't decorate cakes and I definitely don't sew.

But I won't lie, I'm good at dating. Give me a boy and an available weekend and I can make it work. But I wasn't always like this. Growing up, I had exactly zero guy friends. I went on my first date when I was eighteen and looking back, I'm pretty sure it was a pity date. When I started school at BYU, I thought for sure I would start going on a ton of dates. Hah! From 18 to 22 I went on a total of ten dates and most of them I asked him. Then I went on a mission. There was definitely no dating during those precious eighteen months. When I got home, I barely even socialized, let alone date.

Around this time, I started getting really frustrated. Why were there girls who could go on multiple dates a week and in my 24 years of life, I had gone on 11 dates? I wondered what kind of secret magic these girls possessed. Had I just missed the Dating 101 class in high school that every girl got?

So I embarked on a quest. A quest to figure out this game we call Dating. Turns out, dating was something I could practice and get better at! Eight months after I got home from my mission, I went on my first official date. Since then, I've been on a lot of dates and I've even been in a few relationships. It's been a lot of fun!

I started this blog because I want to share what I've learned. What worked for me and what didn't. It breaks my heart to see my beautiful friends crying because they spent yet another weekend at home, without a date. All because they are awesome, but they just don't know how to show it to the boys in their life.

Ladies, it's not you. It's your technique. My blog is here to show you the correct techniques. Better dating can be learned. Trust me when I say, if I can go on three dates in one weekend, anyone can go on three dates in one weekend!