Friday, March 8, 2013

Don't ask.

One of my top dating rules is this: never, ever ask a guy out on a date.

It's a very controversial rule.

But I've stood by it for many years now and I've never suffered from it.

Here's why: if they wanted to go out with you, they would ask you out! It's that simple. They don't really like being asked out because men like to compete and work hard. By not asking him out, you remain the challenge. Asking him out makes you a little too easy.

Your guy friend might say, "No way! We like being asked out!" But what they really mean is, "Of course I like being asked out! Who wouldn't want a free activity that I didn't have to plan? But yeah, if I liked you and was genuinely interested in you, I would have asked you out awhile ago." I promise you, that is what they mean. Don't believe me? Ask around. How many relationships or even second dates (where he asked her the second time because he was interested) resulted from her asking him out the first time? It's abysmally low. Much lower than the success rate when he asked her out the first time.

Some potential exceptions?

-You aren't interested in actually in productive dating (the kind of dating that leads to a relationship). You just want to test your flirting skills. By all mean, ask and practice! Just don't be disappointed when you are going on dates and nothing ever seems to come from it.

-You really, really need a date. I mean, really really really really need a date. As in, it is too awkward to go alone and it would be weird to bring a girl friend. In this situation, DO NOT ask a guy you are interested in or hope something will happen. Ask a guy friend who you've already established that nothing will happen with.

-You're a modern woman in a modern world and asking out men is now acceptable. Well, okay then. Good luck with that. Good luck going against thousands of years of evolutionary psychology. If it works and you end up marrying him, let me know. I always like being proven wrong.
My point is, don't ask guys out on dates. Flirt so that they will be comfortable enough to ask you out. But don't you dare ask him! If it seems hard at first, you'll get better at it. Trust me.


  1. I don't know if I could feel more antagonistic about a dating subject.

    I grew up in a household with all sisters, and my parents were really interested in teaching us that women are just as powerful as men. As a result, I ended up asking plenty of guys on dates. I even made the first move with Caleb! My sister Julie made the first move with her husband, Corbin. My mother asked my dad out first and took him to the fanciest restaurant in the Inland Empire.

    I feel like this theory depends on the caliber of guys you are/are not asking out. If they're a douchebag, they won't respect you for asking them out first. A guy who wants you to be assertive and knows that you won't use them as a father figure or sexual-social crutch may think you're worth asking out later so that they can prove they are worth your time.

    1. It is a very controversial opinion, but I still stand by it.

      I think you should clarify what you mean by "make the first move." Do you mean she smiles at him from across the room? Or she approaches him first by walking up to him and saying hi? By mentioning how she has always wanted to watch a certain movie or go to that new restaurant? I support all of those first moves. I think those are great ways to show you are interested and make him more comfortable with asking him out. But I still would stop short at her saying, "Hey do you want to go out this Friday?"

      I believe that women should be powerful. But I worry that we take "Girl Power" to an extreme and prevent men from growing and fulfilling their responsibility of taking charge. Does it seem ridiculous that one date should be seen as taking away responsibility? Maybe. But what starts as one girl asking out one guy quickly becomes several girls asking out several guys and suddenly, we're sitting around at a girl's night out, wondering where all the good men have gone. I think it's the small things that make a difference. I hope that my advice doesn't come off solely as "Pretend to be an airhead so you can snag the d-bag who looks great with dyed tips and a popped collar" but instead is advice that suggests we allow ourselves and men to be their natural selves.

  2. I hate to say that I think this is true. I have asked out guys before and it never went anywhere. I kept waiting for this cute guy to ask me out when I was up at the U and 6 months went by of being neighbors and sharing a class together and nothing. So i asked him out. It was super awkward after that.

    But when I just needed a date to double with a friend and asked this guy who I wasn't that interested in, it worked out great!